Memories
by Jellie789
Summary: Amanda is unexpectedly haunted by memories of her past during a case. Set during the episode 'Intent', but Olivia has also gone with Amanda and Carisi to West Virginia. The bar fight never happens, nor does Amanda have a one-night stand with the guy from the bar.


02:47am

The red, luminous numbers of the clock mocked Amanda from her bedside table. Sleep was an elusive creature, hiding in the shadows, leaving her tossing and turning in her twin bed. The beer she had consumed earlier in the bar had been useless, sadly going no way to anaesthetise her once she had lay down to sleep. The blankets were twisted and crumpled around her legs as a result of her writhing, and she blew out a frustrated breath into the uncomfortable heat of the motel room she was sharing with her lieutenant.

Olivia, she noticed, seemed to have had absolutely no trouble dropping off to sleep in the bed opposite, having not moved an inch since settling down under the starchy sheets hours previously. Amanda envied Olivia, the blissful darkness of slumber having claimed her instantly. Faintly, she could hear Carisi snoring like a pig through the wall from the room next door. In her mind, she could see him star-fishing atop his queen bed, out for the count. Although a ridiculous notion, she felt like the only person in the world awake, and as the hours of darkness stretched out ahead of her, Amanda felt desperately lonely.

She was too hot. She kicked the blankets down to her ankles, and turned over to face the wall, resting her forehead against the cool, smooth surface. At least this way, she didn't have to face Olivia's peaceful, sleeping form, which was annoying her – irrationally so – in the absence of her own ability to find rest.

Until the trio had arrived at the motel yesterday afternoon, Amanda hadn't given a second thought to their trip, had almost been looking forward to a night away, free from the responsibility of motherhood. She couldn't remember the last time she had an evening free, to have a few drinks with friends – albeit it work colleagues – and not have to worry about getting home to Jesse. But as soon as Carisi had pulled into the parking lot, Amanda's stomach had plummeted to somewhere around her knees, and the realisation that the last night had spent in a motel had been the night she had spent with Charles Patton hit her like ten tonne truck. She had wanted nothing more than to turn back around, drive immediately back to Manhattan and arrive home in just enough time to slip into bed beside Jesse and cuddle her little girl to sleep. Amanda had no desire to step foot in a motel room ever again.

It didn't matter that it wasn't the same, sweltering motel room in Georgia. A sweltering motel room was a sweltering motel room, and it made little difference to how she felt that this one was in West Virginia instead. The ceiling was the same colour. The bed clothes had been washed in the same cheap detergent. The soap in the bathroom was the same brand she had spent an hour scrubbing herself with in the shower once Patton had finished with her. The smell of it had hit her and she had gagged the moment she and Olivia had entered their shared room to dump their belongings before heading out to find Heather Parcell. It taken everything she had to not immediately vomit the contents of her stomach at their feet. Now, lying in a bed she didn't want to be in and surrounded by memories she couldn't repress, she could feel the anxiety rising in her chest.

"Liv, are you awake?" she had shouted out for her boss without conscious thought, louder than she would have had she actually considered doing it (though had she thought about it, she would have decided against it). She rolled back over to face the other woman, winced when Olivia shot up to a sitting position at the sound of her own name, startled into wakefulness, her respiration rate climbing in shock.

"Amanda?" Olivia responded, alarmed, them seemed to gather her bearings as she looked around the room, "I am now. What is it?"

"Sorry," she said immediately, overcome with the need to back-peddle, "I err…I don't know, I think I was asleep, sorry," she lied.

"Ok," Olivia lay back down, still breathing a little faster than normal.

"Sorry," Amanda repeated, sheepishly.

"It's fine," Olivia said, though the air of frustration in her tone at being awoken betrayed her words.

The silence weighed down heavily on Amanda. She felt like an idiot, unsure what had possessed her to call out for Olivia. She could cope with this. She could get through this. It was one night in a motel and a few horrible memories. It wouldn't kill her, she told herself. But despite what she told herself, she was absurdly frightened. After years free of Patton, she had been sucked into the past by the smell of cheap detergent and soap, and had been re-rendered the frightened victim he had made her. If she squeezed her eyes closed, she could feel his breath in her face, his hands pinning her wrists above her head, his knees prying hers legs apart…

"Amanda? What's wrong?"

It was Amanda's turn to startle at her name. Her eyes snapped open and she stared at the outline of Olivia in the darkness, sat up once more.

"Nothing," she lied again, but her voice shook, "Why?"

"You're breathing really heavily,"

"I um…I do that when I fall asleep sometimes," she threw out the first thing that came into her head, and paused in shame, waiting for Olivia to either call her out on her ridiculous excuse or lose patience altogether with her weird night time behaviour.

"Maybe you should see a doctor about that," Olivia grumbled, obviously irritated as she lay back down and rolled over away from Amanda to face the window. Amanda blew out a slow, steady breath in an attempt to get a hold of herself after Olivia had evidently let her have her pathetic excuse. This was insane. She needed to calm the fuck down. She was fine, she told herself. She was absolutely fine.

Amanda rolled over to face the wall once more and resumed her position with her head resting against it, trying to draw the coolness from the plaster into her sticky, sweaty forehead. It could have been seconds, minutes or even longer, Amanda wasn't sure, but she felt her eyes grow heavy and she was thankful sleep was finally creeping up on her. She stayed as still as she could lest the shy beast end up frightened back into it's hiding place. She was no stranger to insomnia, and she knew if she dared roll over, it's boldness would scare sleep away for good. Then, she would be left lying for hours staring at the slither of inky night sky visible between a crack in the blinds until it eventually began to lighten by degrees into morning.

Amanda's final, sad thought before sleep took her for it's own was how she hadn't been capable of fighting nearly as hard as she thought she would have been. There had been a young, feisty, brave woman within her, and she had let her down. Patton had roughed her up, slapped her about a bit, smashed her head against the headboard, reminded her how she knew he didn't take no for an answer, and that had been the end. She had relented. There had been no gun, no threat to her life. The cop in her knew it was a physical response to trauma: fight, flight or freeze. And she had frozen. God, how she had frozen. And god, what she would have given to go back in time and fight instead. She had tortured herself for longer than she cared to remember with that. Why had it been her instinct to freeze? Why couldn't see have fought? Oh, how different her life could have been had she fought and won.

But in the end, she wasn't the fighter she had thought she was. So now, when she felt Patton roughly grab her by her shoulders and push her onto her back, she didn't resist. When she felt his hands on her inner thighs pushing them apart, she didn't push back. He had won, like he always did. She didn't even bite her lip to stop herself from crying this time.

"Amanda, will you wake up, _please_?!"

She didn't realise straight away that it was Olivia who had pushed her onto her back by her shoulders, not Patton, and her hands were still there. There were no hands on her thighs, though Amanda felt the ghost of Patton's touch as if he had just been there. She reared up and back from Olivia, banging her own head against the headboard this time. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged her arms around them, confused for a moment, but as sleep retreated from her, taking with it her dream, the realisation that Olivia had probably just woken her up from a nightmare caused a hot, pink blush to rise in her prominent cheek bones.

"Are you awake now?" Olivia asked, sitting down on the bed in front of her. Amanda was sure that if she could bare to look Olivia in the face, concern-laced features would be looking back.

She nodded slowly in response.

"You were crying in your sleep," Olivia said softly, all traces of previous her previous annoyance had vanished from her tone, and she brought her hand up to cup the side of Amanda's face. She stroked her thumb slowly over the apple of Amanda's cheek, and the tenderness of the gesture caused tears to well up in her blue eyes. "I tried to settle you down without waking you, but you were just getting more distressed. I am sorry if I scared you."

"You didn't," Amanda's voice was hoarse, and it broke a little as she spoke. She blinked slowly, and the tears that were balanced in her eyes slid down her cheeks. Olivia caught one with the thumb she was still stroking soothingly across her clammy skin.

"Do you remember what you were dreaming about?" Olivia asked, tentatively, as if she had been weighing up whether or not to ask.

She nodded slowly once more.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia offered gently, and her kindness caused more tears to fall. Amanda's breathing hitched in her throat and she shook her head vehemently, still never looking her boss in the eye. Olivia withdrew her hand from Amanda's face, and unlocked a small pair of hands from around her trembling knees. They shook a little as Olivia took hold of them, and she smoothed her thumbs over the backs of her hands in an effort to instil calm. "I am not going to make you talk to me, honey, but you're really upset and I think it might help if you did," Olivia reasoned, the rationality of it all upsetting Amanda further, and with no power to stop herself, she dipped her head when she started to cry softly. "It's ok, sweetheart," Olivia said, continuing to stroke her thumbs across Amanda's knuckles, "It's ok."

"I'm sorry, Olivia," Amanda said, as she tried to get on top of her emotions, she withdrew her hands from Olivia's and scrubbed them over her face, trying to erase the evidence of her tears.

"Don't apologise. Look at me," Olivia placed two fingers under Amanda's chin and tilted her head up, forced her to meet her eye, "Is this why you woke me up before? Because you had a nightmare?"

Amanda shook her head and Olivia's hand fell away from her face, "No, I hadn't even gone to sleep then," she answered honestly.

"Talk to me," Olivia implored, and Amanda smiled slightly. Despite her previous promise of not forcing Amanda to talk, Amanda knew Olivia was like a dog with a bone, who never let anything go. For better or worse, Olivia Benson was incapable of walking away from someone who needed help, whether they wanted it or not. And, because the ice had thawed between the two women over the last few years, Amanda did.

"I was dreaming about Patton," Amanda confessed. She diverted her eyes away from Olivia's brown ones. Whilst she had grown to trust Olivia and enjoy something of a closer relationship – maybe a friendship? – with her during the recent past, there was no one in the world she could feel truly comfortable around whilst disclosing details of the event which shamed her more than anything else. "I used to have nightmares every night for so long."

"Used to?" Olivia prompted, when she hadn't spoken for a few moments, getting lost within her own head.

"Sorry," Amanda shook her head a little, as if to bring herself to her senses, "Yeah, used to. I haven't had a nightmare about him for a long time."

Olivia placed her hands on Amanda's knees, another attempt to try to get Amanda to look her in the eye and connect with her. But humiliation made Amanda resist. "Have you got any idea what triggered this tonight?" Olivia asked, her voice almost a whisper.

"Being here," she raised her hands to gesture around at the dark motel room, "I didn't give it much thought until we got here yesterday, then I realised the last night I stayed in a motel was when Patton…" she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.

"When Patton raped you?" Olivia finished for her, when it became evident Amanda could not say the words, and she nodded in confirmation.

"Everything about being here," Amanda's voice sounded unlike her own, choked up with emotion, hot tears making their presence known once more. "The feel of the sheets, the smell of the room…Liv, I could have been sick when we walked in," she admitted, "I want to go home," she added, and she brought her eyes up to meet Olivia's for the first time. She was surprised to see wet tear tracks marking Olivia's cheeks. "I'm sorry, I've upset you!" suddenly panicked, Amanda moved forwards, kneeling now, on the bed beside Olivia. "I'm sorry!" she repeated, and this time it was her who grabbed onto Olivia's hands.

"Hey, hey, shhh!" Olivia soothed, and she pulled one of her hands from Amanda's tight grip and stroked her finger tips against a pale cheek once more, "You haven't upset me, sweetie, you haven't done anything wrong, don't worry," Amanda's breathing was fast, she gasped in distress, unable to bear the thought she had made Oliva cry. "I'm sorry, I should have done a better job of keeping my emotions in check," she kept hold of Amanda's hands in one of hers, and used the other that had just been stroking Amanda's face to swipe away her own tears, "I care about you, Amanda, and I just got a bit upset because it hurts to see someone I care about it pain. _You _haven't upset me," she reassured the other woman. "Come here," Olivia pulled Amanda closer by the hands she was holding, and let go to wrap her arms around Amanda.

Amanda realised the only person she hugged these days was Jesse, and that was always primarily to provide comfort and security rather than to take it for herself. She was a bit embarrassed by how readily she had sunk into Olivia's arms, but the physical comfort soothed her to such an extent that for now she didn't care. She felt safe enough to let the emotion she had been trying to hold down break free, and the stop/start crying she had been engaging in since Olivia had woken her deteriorated into full blown sobs, muffled only by the soft skin of Oliva's neck against which her face was pressed. "I want to go home, Liv," Amanda moaned between sobs, and she felt Olivia's arms tighten around her in response. "I want Jesse," she realised she sounded like a child, crying for things she couldn't have, but she couldn't stop herself.

She didn't know how long Olivia had held her for while she had cried, only that she was certain her lieutenant would have done it for as long as she needed. Eventually, she had exhausted herself and her sobs had quieted to sniffles. At some point, Olivia had begun to stroke her hair, a gesture which had almost lulled her to sleep, so she jumped slightly when Olivia spoke.

"I can't take you home to Jesse at this time," Olivia said, continuing to hold her – albeit it slightly tighter when Amanda jolted at the sound of her voice, and continuing to stroke her blonde hair to keep her settled.

"I can't sleep here, Liv," Amanda said, her anxiety rising to a peak one more. She had regained precious little control of herself and immediately dissolved into tears against Olivia's neck once more, "I'll be able to feel him again, Liv!"

"Shh, shhh, shh, Amanda, shh, it's going to be ok," Olivia began to rock her from side to side, the gentle holding and soft stroking of Amanda's hair no longer enough to calm her, "Come on, honey, shh, calm down,"

"I can't, Liv, I'm gonna be sick," and with that, Amanda wrenched herself from Olivia's arms and dashed on shaky legs to the bathroom. She landed on her knees in front of the toilet and after suppressing the urge for hours she finally violently vomited everything she had in her until she was spent, dry heaving and retching. She slammed her eyes shut against a harsh, fluorescent light when Olivia followed her to the bathroom and flicked the switch. She heard Olivia flush the toilet, then turn on the tap. A moment later, a cold, wet cloth was being rubbed against the back of her not neck.

"Are you alright?" Olivia asked, "Here, take this," Amanda opened her eyes and with a shaking hand, took a small cup of cold water from Olivia. "Take some slow sips," Olivia instructed.

Amanda's trembling hand caused her to take a bigger mouthful of water than she had intended, and as soon as the cold fluid hit the back of her throat it triggered her gag reflex, and she instantly vomited the water straight back up into the toilet.

"Easy!" Olivia chided, and she took the cup from Amanda and placed it by the sink, "I said _slow sips_," Amanda felt her hair being pulled back and tied out of the way of her face. Olivia picked up the water again and held it to Amanda's lips. Amanda put her hand around the cup, but Olivia didn't release it to her this time, instead helping Amanda take a small sip by steadying her still shaking hand. "That's better," Olivia said, when Amanda swallowed a small amount of the water and kept it down. "Are you going to be sick again?"

"I don't think so," Amanda's voice was raspy, her throat sore and burnt by her stomach acid. With that, she allowed Olivia to help her to her feet. Olivia placed Amanda's hand against the side of the sink to keep her steady, whilst she picked up Amanda's toothbrush and put some toothpaste on it for her.

"Here you go," Olivia passed her the toothbrush and Amanda did her best to brush her teeth whilst Olivia walked back into the room and switched on the bedside lamp. The minty paste refreshed her mouth and made her feel a little more together. When she was done, she followed Olivia back out of the bathroom.

"Sorry," Amanda apologised, calmer now but still she wished she could just walk out of this place and go home. She sat down on her bed, embarrassed by the night's events, and she picked at a loose thread on the seam of her pyjama bottoms while she waited for Olivia to respond.

"No, I'm sorry," Olivia got up from where she had sat down on her own bed to wait for Amanda to be done in the bathroom, and walked over to the younger woman perched on the edge of her twin bed. "I should've pushed you a bit earlier to tell me what was wrong when you woke me up. I could tell there was something not right, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep. Maybe things wouldn't have got so bad for you tonight if I hadn't been so grouchy with you," Olivia took Amanda's hold of Amanda's hand again, and despite the fact that before tonight the two women had shared exactly zero physical contact with each other, Olivia's affection was fast becoming a pleasantly comfortable.

"Olivia, I woke you up in the middle of the night. I'd have been grouchy too. Don't beat yourself up. Anyway, I thought I could handle it. I wouldn't have said anything anyway, even if you had pushed me," Amanda squeezed Olivia's hand, attempted to provide some comfort of her own.

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Olivia laughed.

"I'm not," Amanda promised.

"Look, Amanda, I know you really don't want to be here, but I think it's really important we try to get some sleep before tomorrow. We've got a long day ahead of us-"

"No!" Amanda shook her head, immediately began to panic again, "Liv, _please," _she implored, "I can't-"

"Wait, wait!" Olivia held her hand up, palm facing Amanda, "Calm down, don't get worked up again, just let me finish what I'm saying, ok?" she said sternly.

Amanda bit her lip and nodded, but couldn't stop silent tears from spilling down her face.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia sighed, and for the countless time that night she wiped away Amanda's tears with her thumbs, "I've got some perfume in my bag. I'll spray your bed with it so you can't smell the sheets, ok? We'll leave the light on, and it'll be a bit of a squeeze, but I'll lie beside you for the rest of the night. How does that sound?" Amanda had bowed her head whilst Olivia was talking, tears continuing to drip from her face. Olivia sighed when Amanda did not answer. "I'm sorry, honey. I know it probably won't make you feel any better to know this but it kills me that I can't just take you straight out of this place when you so badly don't want to be here. If it was just a case of waking Carisi up I'd happily do it and leave now, but we can't get Heather Parcell until nine. And unless we sleep in the car, we have no place else to stay." Olivia sighed again, this time with more frustration, "I'm really sorry," she said, running her fingers through her hair.

"No, I'm sorry," Amanda said, finally looking up to Olivia, "I'm being difficult and awkward. I know it's a shitty situation and we can't change it and I just need to suck it up until we can leave."

"That's not exactly what I said," Olivia stated, a little exasperated, and Amanda noticed how tired the other woman sounded.

"I know, I know…I'm sorry. Let's try what you said: spraying the perfume, leaving the light on. I think if we did that…and if you really don't mind lying with me…I'll be ok," she nodded, unsure if she was trying to convince Olivia or herself.

A few minutes later, Olivia had sprayed some fragrance on Amanda's sheets and feeling a little nervous Amanda lay herself down under the covers. The lingering scent of the detergent was still there, but it was cancelled out by the comforting, familiar scent of Olivia which surrounded her, relaxing the knots in her stomach and easing the fear in her chest. She scooted right up against the wall, lying on her side so Olivia had space to fit beside her.

"How're you feeling?" Olivia asked as she joined her in the twin bed, their faces inches from each other on the pillow.

"Ok, I think," she said, her voice wobbling when tears sprung to her eyes again. She wasn't exactly lying. She felt better with Olivia beside her, but Amanda wasn't wholly convinced that if she fell asleep she wouldn't fall into another Patton centred nightmare. She had coped with it all for so long after she had been raped that she had forgotten there was anything different, but since she had been mostly free of the nightmares and memories for so many years now, regressing back to it all again felt impossible to cope with.

"Amanda," Olivia whispered her name softly as she brought her hand up to Amanda's face to brush her hair away, "It's ok if you're not ok."

She nodded, "Ok…well…I'm not ok," she admitted quietly, having been granted permission from Olivia.

"Well…what if I held you?" Olivia offered tentatively.

"I'd like that," Amanda agreed, her words hitching in her throat.

"C'mere, sweetheart," Olivia said, as she opened her arms in invitation.

Amanda didn't hesitate for a second before closing the very small gap between herself and Olivia. She pressed her face into Olivia's neck again while she got her tears under control, knowing that feeling safe inside Olivia's arms was the best chance she had to find some rest before the dawn, knowing that at least if she did not sleep, she was no longer alone with her memories.


End file.
